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gggrrrrr

Hi.

So, on my facebook thing a few weeks ago, I had written for my status that I was 'cranky, irritable, moody etc', and chris got a phone call last weekend from his sister asking if I was pregnant!!!! I guess the only reason I can be irritable or moody must be bc i am pregnant. fer frigs sakes....Have u ever heard of having a period ppl? I mean THAT could be the reason....OR maybe I was just having a bad day or not feeling well? Pregnant...fer frigs sakes!!!! She's be the LAST (well one of the last) people I'd tell IF i was pregnant. People need to get a life. I swear.

ggggrrrrrrrrrr

I think she just needs something to gossip about.

On other news, still no period in sight. Today is day 54. I'm getting pretty annoyed by my lack of a regular period. I know I am not pregnant...so where the hell is AF? geeze. Lets get it over with please. I know its coming...where is it? piff.

I'm sick of feeling like this.

ggggrrrrrrrrr

Tags:

crankypants

Hello world

uurgh.

Maybe this is all in my head. I *promised* myself I wasn't going to do this. That I wasn't going to become that crazy obsessed lady. I swore I wouldn't. Yet, here I am. Feeling crappy. Wondering if maybe I actually *am* pregnant. It would explain a lot, but I don't want to get my hopes up either...and I wonder if I feel the way I do because I actually have it all in my head. I would hate for that to be the case. Most especially b/c of how I feel.

Plus...I don't really remember how I felt early on with being pregant with Paul. I suppose I could get a blood test done. OR go and buy another test. But I don't see the answer changing. I tested last wed and it was negative. I don't think anything will have changed since then. I don't want to waste my money either. Plus, and not that I am putting a lot of faith into this, but the last few psychics I have seen have all basically said I would have another baby but not for close to year or so. Therefore, if that were true....I couldn't be pregnant right now. AND I don't want the heartbreak of another miscarriage. I don't want to do that again.

However, I know Chris is so excited that I don't have my period yet. He is really hoping I think. (note: when we got back from my mom's he asked me later that day if I had my period yet and that is not like him to know when I am due to have it....he just doesnt' keep track of that kinda thing). He also seems cautiously excited that I am feeling so bad. He keeps asking if I am still feeling sick...yadda yadda. It's adorable, and I am so glad he cares but I don't want to disappoint him either.

Maybe it's just a flu? It could be.......I mean I am hungry then once I eat I have some nice nausea immediately afterwards for awhile for the past three days. My boobs are itchy-sore, I have period cramps that come and go, (but I haven't had that today). I am burping a bit. I'm tired and lethargic. I'm moody, irritatble, and have no patience. I just want to be alone. I'm bloated. I have all the symptoms of having my period cept actually having it. Flu's can throw that cycle stuff off. Maybe it's just a bug.

I don't know who reads this diary anymore anyways. I hardly write in it any more. I just dont want to start complaining over and over to my family about how sucky I am feeling or being the am I or am I not pregnant crap. I did that with ttc paul. I am sure it was really annoying for them. I was obsessed...every month...and I took hundreds of pregnancy tests. I don't want to be bothered by that this time. I *know* I will have another child someday. If I am not pregnant now, it's no big deal. I just want to stop feeling like crap. If I am pregnant then this all makes sense.

I dunno. I just don't know.

Tags:

Just to Clarify

Hi.

Just to clarify...I do want to have another child. for me and my family. I was just very upset and overreacted like I do sometimes when I am upset about things and wonder if I am actually being a good mom and if I really should be qualified to do the work.

I love being a mom. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Paul is a wonderful little boy and I am so priveledged to have him in my life. He's just so wonderful, and I can't wait to add another perfect little addition to our clan.

:)

thoughts on another child....

Hi.

Relax, I am not pregnant!

I just have been thinking about some things and I wanted to just write them in here maybe for better clarity for my own self.

I definately want to have ONE more child some day. Chris has his days when he does and when he doesn't, so I'd say he's about 50/50 on the subject.

We always said we wanted to have our children close together in age so they would be young enough to grow up together and be each others playmates but to have our first child old enough to be more self sufficiant.

Chris said something to me the other day that really got me thinking....he said that I make the most money between us (which is true) and b/c we just went out and bought a house, there is NO way I will be able to take a year (hell, even 3 months) of maternity leave if we have another child when we origionally said we wanted too.

{just FYI: we had said that when Paul turned 1, we would seriously discuss the possiblity and probably when he turned 1.5 we would start trying for number 2}.

I already feel jipped b/c I wasn't able to take my year the first time with Paul...I really enjoy the special bonding that happens between a mom and her child, especially in teh first year (or 7 months right now which is where I am at).

So, I know that Chris is totally thinking from a financial standpoint and he totally has a very good point. If I get pregnant when we said we wanted too, or even earlier, I would probably only be off long enough to have the baby and be back a week later.

Therefore, I figured out that things are going to be SUPER tight financially for the next 32 months (this month included). (21 months, this month included, and we will be done paying for Chris' schooling, and 32 months, this month included we will be done with our personal loan from when we were stupid and ran up credit cards, my schooling and bought a stupid air purifier that was a gazzillion dollars).

32 months from now is about September 2010. I will be 30.5 years old. Paul will be 3 years old.

That's not too bad...b/c 32 months from now, we will have almost one of my whole pay checks EXTRA above bills every month....we could afford another baby by then. (provided we don't get stupid in the mean time).

So, that technically means that if we wait until Paul is about 2.5 years old (like around xmas 2009) to start trying for number two, even if we got pregnant right away, we wouldn't give birth till September 2010 when our last tight payment will be, so I could take the year of mat leave off and things would be much better.

I just don't know if I want my kids 3.5 years apart though....that just seems really far apart...but I don't want to be stupid though either....

SO, unless we come into a good sum of money *cough for affect* that is probably the way it will be.

Its sad though, that our young stupidness is the thing preventing us from having another child and being able to comfortably afford him or her.

But, there is nothing I can do about that now.

*stupid*

A first

OMG....Everyone listen!!!!!

My baby, Mr. Paul, for the VERY first time in the history of his little 7 month life, ROLLED OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cheers*

I am one PROUD mama! :)

I actually missed the first one.

Here is what happened:

I had to pee. I put Paul down on his play mat on his tummy, and put his toy hedgehog in front of him to occupy him while I went to the washroom. (not uncommon, a girls' gotta pee sometimes!). Anyways, when I got back, there was Paul on his back!!! He'd rollen over ALL by himself!!! I was so excited!!!

I explained to him that I HAD to see him do it again b/c I am a sap and I have to confirm that he actually did it himself. SO, I put him back on his tummy and waited. It took him a few minutes of kicking the air and things but HE DID IT!!!!!!!!

I picked him up, showered him with kisses and encouragement and told him how proud I was of him and that we have to call EVERYONE and tell him what he'd just done.

He thought that was pretty funny and laughed and was all smiles. I think he knew he'd done something good :)

Anyways, I'm excited. Leave a note!

eeeppppppp

Paul is 71/2 months old almost! The time just flies by so quickly

I just wanted to say that we just bought Paul a $118000.00 bathtub!!!!!!!!! We get it on Feb. 29th!

he'd better like it!

:)

Paul's 6 Month drs appointment

Hi!

Today was Paul's 6 month drs appointment. He is actually 6.5 months but this is the earliest appointment I could get since I had to change his last appointment due to be going back to work and things.

Anyways, the appointment went well. Paul now recognizes where he is....b/c he was totally fine till we got into the room where we would give him needles...so he screamed. BUT he did enjoy looking at the baby in the mirror at the drs office and he loved the attention from the receptionists at the office and things of that nature. He even smiled at the dr...until the dr tried to do stuff to him. I got the dr to check Paul for a cold and possible ear infection...but he is fine :) It's just teething, so that's good at least. Anyways, Paul is 29 inches tall and 21.5 pounds!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it either! Paul is in no way fat or chunky, but he is definately a big boy!

I just wanted to update....Paul just woke up so I must run and attend to him.

Leave a note

Paul's first solid food!!!!

Hi!

Today was a really big day for us here. Paul is 5 months old today and to celebrate this milestone, we decided to finally be brave and go out and get a highchair and give Paul his very first solid food. (rice cereal of course :P). Chris and I were so excitedly nervous and Paul had no idea what was going on.

We got the highchair that straps to our regular kitchen chairs b/c we just don't have the room to put a real highchair in here, but we got a really nice one on sale and Paul does like it so that's important.

We decided to attempt this venture for his dinner bottle. He had his bottle as normal and then I mixed up the cereal in a bowl and while I did that Chris told Paul all about his highchair and all that was going to happen so he wouldn't be scared. Chris put him in his seat and he just was so facinated by the numbers and colours on the tray thingy it was quite amusing.

We used the baby spoon that Chris used when he was a baby with Paul and we took lots of pictures that u can see a few of, behind the cut a lil later on. Paul ate the food really well and seemed to like it well enough. He didn't choke which was our major worry, even though it was runny and things. lol

Anyways, I just had to tell you all about it. Now, on with the pictures:

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pictures

Hi!

It's been forever since I posted some pictures of my little man. So, I will post some random pictures of him in no paticular order.

When chris gets home tonight if it's not too late, or tomorrow for sure, we are going to look into getting a high chair for Paul. He's almost basically ready for solids now...to start on the cereal thing and I want him to have something to sit in beforehand. We are looking into getting a chair that straps onto our chairs b/c we have such a small space.

On with the pics!!!! PS: not dial up friendly!

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Hope you liked them!!!

Guilt

Hi.

Paul is 4 months old now. He seems to be growing up so fast...he's already into size 3 diapers and basically in 6 month clothes. I can hardly believe it. Every time I look at him, he seems like such a little boy now, than a baby. I mean, already, he sits up on his own with support, he makes squealing noises when he's happy, he blows spit bubbles, he loves to be kissed and cuddled. He can stand with weight supporting himself pretty well. He has the most charming smile I think I have ever seen. He's just amazing.

I think about how much he's grown since he was born and I feel so guilty. It probably sounds so stupid to you, but I feel such guilt for the way I felt those first 6 weeks of his life. I didn't feel at all the way I thought I would feel about having him home with me, or I didn't feel the way I feel about him now. I have such guilt over it b/c I feel like I jipped him and myself for that special time. I was so worried about just getting thru the day in one piece and I wanted so badly for me to wake up and he be 20 years old and out on his own. Now, I obviously don't feel at all like that. I love my son to pieces. He means the world to me. I've never loved him like I love anyone else in my life. it's so amazing.

I know he is going to grow so fast...he's already growing so fast, and the weeks just seem to fly by for the most part, and I want to cherish every little moment I have with him b/c I know those special moments are limited. I just can't imagine him growing up....it blows my mind to think he will grow up and be his own person some day.

I was just looking at pictures that were taken the day I had Paul and those first few weeks...and I can't remember him being that small...but I remember how I felt in those pictures and I am embarassed to say, that I was feeling not too loving toward him. I definately liked Paul, but I didn't love him. I felt abandoned by everyone and so overwhelmed. I thought I'd made a mistake having him and if someone could have waved a magic wand and took the whole pregnancy and everything away, I would have done it. Isn't that the MOST horrible thing u have ever heard????

NOW< I can't believe I actually thought that. I am so ashamed of thinking that stuff back then. But I am so glad that he is healthy and alive and with me every day. He's so amazing, and he is the best thing Chris and I have ever done.

I love being a mom. I love the way Paul looks at me. I love the way he holds onto me, or how we have that special time when I feed him or when we have our bed time routine. It's so great.

Anyways, I just wish I didn't feel the way I felt at the beginning of his life.

Leave a note :)