Hello world

uurgh.

Maybe this is all in my head. I *promised* myself I wasn't going to do this. That I wasn't going to become that crazy obsessed lady. I swore I wouldn't. Yet, here I am. Feeling crappy. Wondering if maybe I actually *am* pregnant. It would explain a lot, but I don't want to get my hopes up either...and I wonder if I feel the way I do because I actually have it all in my head. I would hate for that to be the case. Most especially b/c of how I feel.

Plus...I don't really remember how I felt early on with being pregant with Paul. I suppose I could get a blood test done. OR go and buy another test. But I don't see the answer changing. I tested last wed and it was negative. I don't think anything will have changed since then. I don't want to waste my money either. Plus, and not that I am putting a lot of faith into this, but the last few psychics I have seen have all basically said I would have another baby but not for close to year or so. Therefore, if that were true....I couldn't be pregnant right now. AND I don't want the heartbreak of another miscarriage. I don't want to do that again.

However, I know Chris is so excited that I don't have my period yet. He is really hoping I think. (note: when we got back from my mom's he asked me later that day if I had my period yet and that is not like him to know when I am due to have it....he just doesnt' keep track of that kinda thing). He also seems cautiously excited that I am feeling so bad. He keeps asking if I am still feeling sick...yadda yadda. It's adorable, and I am so glad he cares but I don't want to disappoint him either.

Maybe it's just a flu? It could be.......I mean I am hungry then once I eat I have some nice nausea immediately afterwards for awhile for the past three days. My boobs are itchy-sore, I have period cramps that come and go, (but I haven't had that today). I am burping a bit. I'm tired and lethargic. I'm moody, irritatble, and have no patience. I just want to be alone. I'm bloated. I have all the symptoms of having my period cept actually having it. Flu's can throw that cycle stuff off. Maybe it's just a bug.

I don't know who reads this diary anymore anyways. I hardly write in it any more. I just dont want to start complaining over and over to my family about how sucky I am feeling or being the am I or am I not pregnant crap. I did that with ttc paul. I am sure it was really annoying for them. I was obsessed...every month...and I took hundreds of pregnancy tests. I don't want to be bothered by that this time. I *know* I will have another child someday. If I am not pregnant now, it's no big deal. I just want to stop feeling like crap. If I am pregnant then this all makes sense.

I dunno. I just don't know.