Hi.

Paul is 4 months old now. He seems to be growing up so fast...he's already into size 3 diapers and basically in 6 month clothes. I can hardly believe it. Every time I look at him, he seems like such a little boy now, than a baby. I mean, already, he sits up on his own with support, he makes squealing noises when he's happy, he blows spit bubbles, he loves to be kissed and cuddled. He can stand with weight supporting himself pretty well. He has the most charming smile I think I have ever seen. He's just amazing.

I think about how much he's grown since he was born and I feel so guilty. It probably sounds so stupid to you, but I feel such guilt for the way I felt those first 6 weeks of his life. I didn't feel at all the way I thought I would feel about having him home with me, or I didn't feel the way I feel about him now. I have such guilt over it b/c I feel like I jipped him and myself for that special time. I was so worried about just getting thru the day in one piece and I wanted so badly for me to wake up and he be 20 years old and out on his own. Now, I obviously don't feel at all like that. I love my son to pieces. He means the world to me. I've never loved him like I love anyone else in my life. it's so amazing.

I know he is going to grow so fast...he's already growing so fast, and the weeks just seem to fly by for the most part, and I want to cherish every little moment I have with him b/c I know those special moments are limited. I just can't imagine him growing up....it blows my mind to think he will grow up and be his own person some day.

I was just looking at pictures that were taken the day I had Paul and those first few weeks...and I can't remember him being that small...but I remember how I felt in those pictures and I am embarassed to say, that I was feeling not too loving toward him. I definately liked Paul, but I didn't love him. I felt abandoned by everyone and so overwhelmed. I thought I'd made a mistake having him and if someone could have waved a magic wand and took the whole pregnancy and everything away, I would have done it. Isn't that the MOST horrible thing u have ever heard????

NOW< I can't believe I actually thought that. I am so ashamed of thinking that stuff back then. But I am so glad that he is healthy and alive and with me every day. He's so amazing, and he is the best thing Chris and I have ever done.

I love being a mom. I love the way Paul looks at me. I love the way he holds onto me, or how we have that special time when I feed him or when we have our bed time routine. It's so great.

Anyways, I just wish I didn't feel the way I felt at the beginning of his life.

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